This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
