it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
