the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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