After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
