god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
