So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
