We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
