I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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