Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
