You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
