Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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