yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
This is not my ceiling
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
