mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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