The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
