You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
