I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
