Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's rum buckets o'clock
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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