woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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