You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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