Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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