Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
