happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize