I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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