Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
