I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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