I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
