the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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