Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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