Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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