Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
