why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
