The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
