I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
