I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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