Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
