I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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