I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
