i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
