I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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