My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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