Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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