Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
