I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
