hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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