I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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