Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
