I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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