she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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