So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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