I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
