If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
