while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
