I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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