She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
