We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
